"Edge of the Ocean" by Ivy

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

"Edge of Desire" by John Mayer

Young and full of running
Tell me where has that taken me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity?

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me,
For all of my trying
We still end up dying, how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me,
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see,
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,
"I have to have you now"
Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

A step in the right direction..

I am extremely proud of myself. Considering I have this huge amount of credit card debt that I need to start paying off and ASAP, I have taken some steps to make this happen:
1) Last night, I gave ALL of my credit cards to my mom. No big deal, right? HUGE! My issue is that after I make a payment, I keep using my card because I'm out of cash. Not a good plan.
2) I went to every website that I online shop at and removed all of my credit cards. That was really difficult. I almost didn't do it. But I did.
I haven't been this proud of myself in years. I am taking these baby steps to better myself in the long run. When the day comes that I can wake up and not feel the weight of my debt on my shoulders, I'll be completely and utterly happy.

On another note, I'm on the pursuit of a hobby/passion in life. I'm thinking of taking piano lessons and getting back into my art. I also want to get back into shape AND get outside more..I've never been one to hike and camp but I'm on a mission to do it and LOVE it. I've been so obsessed with the material things that I couldn't focus on anything else.

Go me. Huge pat on my back. Starting to get my feet back on the ground.

Quote of the day:
"It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life." -Meredith Grey.

Life Goals.

1. Pay off my credit card debt.
2. Move out of my parent's house.
3. Find "the one" and get married.
4. Have kids.
5. Live happily ever after.

Is that so hard?

"Wait It Out" by Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice.

A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more cynical.

And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
in the one life that we've got.

And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out.

..letting others speak my thoughts..because I sure as hell can't.

Some simple yet wise words by Meredith Grey.

"No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in here. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling."

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

"..knowing is better than wondering..waking is better than sleeping..And that even the biggest failure, even the worst intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. The funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need." 

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." 

..and if you want to really know how I'm feeling, listen to these songs:

1. Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

2. We Might As Well Be Strangers by Keane

3. Gravity by Sara Bareilles

4. Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles

5. Warning Sign by Coldplay

6. Split Screen Sadness by John Mayer

7. Hear Me Out by Frou Frou

..it's like 2004 circa freshman year at JMU all over again..

I've officially become my own worst nightmare.

Faith?

I constantly feel like a disappointment in my parents' eyes. They are very involved with church and their faith and I have yet to find myself when it comes to all that "stuff." As George Michael says "You gotta have faith"..yet, I can't seem to grasp that notion. I grew up in a church-going family. We went to church every Sunday, I was involved in the choir, youth group, etc. My parents still ask me every week if I want to go to church with them even though they know the answer. Well, when I attended JMU, I found myself searching for something to make me more "whole" than the whole party scene. That's when I met a few girls who were involved in Intervarsity (an Evangelical & interdenominational organization). Basically, every Friday night I would go to a church service and then hang out with all of the people I met there. I fit in immediately. People accepted me and liked me. I felt as if I had really found my place. Then the bible studies started and everything I did revolved around Intervarsity and the people in it. My roommate (who is still one of my very good friends today, thank goodness) and I grew apart. We barely spoke when we were in the same room because I made her uncomfortable. I began to alienate myself from all of the people I was hanging out with in the beginning of the year. It was such a shame because they were awesome. I then began to like this boy named Tim. He was one of the most amazing guys who was God-fearing and very respectful. I dove into Christianity even more. Well, I guess I woke up one day and realized that I wasn't being true to myself. I had gotten into huge fights with my best friend from high school, telling her that her way of life wasn't right. Who was I to tell someone that? I was supposed to be living a life without judgment but that's all I was doing. Judging. For spring break that year, I went to Nicaragua to work with orphans. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life and it brought me out of my funk. I realized that I had become sucked into this world because I wanted to fit in. I never grasped the "faith" side of it. I think it pretended even though I believed it. I've been through many ups and downs concerning Christianity and now I'm more wary of it more than ever. I hate that. I want to believe in something that makes me whole. I just get this weird "cult-like" feeling whenever I'm at church and whenever I hear someone preaching. I just TRY to live my life by loving people and treating others the way I want to be treated. I believe in the golden rule (even if I don't follow it to a T). Anyone else feel lost when it comes to religion and faith??