Self-Discovery.

"You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself." -Alan Alda.

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." -Henry David Thoreau

"You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one." -James A. Froude

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy." -Lucille Ball

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be." -Douglas Adams

"A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it." -Jean de La Fontaine

"Those who are brutally honest are seldom so with themselves." -Mignon McLaughlin

"If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet." -Neil Simon      

Quote of the day.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason.... People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, & sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

I love my sister.

So I just found out that my sister sent me a book entitled "How To Avoid Falling In Love With A Jerk" - and I'm really excited about it. I have this crushing fear that my next relationship will be an abusive one. I have no idea where this came from considering I have had two great relationships thus far. I do know that my sister is the best. She thought I was going to be mad that she sent me that book but it just shows that even though I get on her nerves within an hour of her visits, she loves me unconditionally.

I love you C*Ster!

Quotes of the day.

"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley.

 "Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy." -Eskimo Proverb.

"Never give up on something you can't go a day without thinking about." -Hopewell Syprien.

"Edge of the Ocean" by Ivy

There's a place I dream about
Where the sun never goes out.
And the sky is deep and blue.
Won't you take me there with you.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

There's a world I've always known
Somewhere far away from home.
When I close my eyes I see
All the space and mystery.

Ohhh, we can begin again.
Shed our skin, let the sun shine in.
At the edge of the ocean
We can start over again.

"Edge of Desire" by John Mayer

Young and full of running
Tell me where has that taken me?
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity?

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me,
For all of my trying
We still end up dying, how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me,
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see,
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,
"I have to have you now"
Wired and I'm tired
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

A step in the right direction..

I am extremely proud of myself. Considering I have this huge amount of credit card debt that I need to start paying off and ASAP, I have taken some steps to make this happen:
1) Last night, I gave ALL of my credit cards to my mom. No big deal, right? HUGE! My issue is that after I make a payment, I keep using my card because I'm out of cash. Not a good plan.
2) I went to every website that I online shop at and removed all of my credit cards. That was really difficult. I almost didn't do it. But I did.
I haven't been this proud of myself in years. I am taking these baby steps to better myself in the long run. When the day comes that I can wake up and not feel the weight of my debt on my shoulders, I'll be completely and utterly happy.

On another note, I'm on the pursuit of a hobby/passion in life. I'm thinking of taking piano lessons and getting back into my art. I also want to get back into shape AND get outside more..I've never been one to hike and camp but I'm on a mission to do it and LOVE it. I've been so obsessed with the material things that I couldn't focus on anything else.

Go me. Huge pat on my back. Starting to get my feet back on the ground.

Quote of the day:
"It's a common belief that positive thinking leads to a happier, healthier life." -Meredith Grey.

Life Goals.

1. Pay off my credit card debt.
2. Move out of my parent's house.
3. Find "the one" and get married.
4. Have kids.
5. Live happily ever after.

Is that so hard?

"Wait It Out" by Imogen Heap

Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond these questions...

Clambering for the scraps in the shatter of us collapsed
that cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play repeating
with the backup, makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says time heals everything
but what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in between
are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around
We're closed to the earth 'til further notice.

A stumbling cliched case,
crumpled and puffy faced
Dead in the stare of a thousand miles.

All I want, only one, street level miracle
I'll be an out and out, born again, from none more cynical.

And sit here cold, we will be long gone by then
In lackluster, in dust we layer on old magazines,
fluorescent lighting sets the scene
in the one life that we've got.

And sit here
Just going to wait it out
And sit here cold
Just going to sweat it out
Wait it out.

..letting others speak my thoughts..because I sure as hell can't.

Some simple yet wise words by Meredith Grey.

"No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in here. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling."

"Pain. You just have to ride it out. You can only hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."

"..knowing is better than wondering..waking is better than sleeping..And that even the biggest failure, even the worst intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying."

"Communication. It's the first thing we really learn in life. The funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say. Or how to ask for what we really need." 

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true." 

..and if you want to really know how I'm feeling, listen to these songs:

1. Heartbreak Warfare by John Mayer

2. We Might As Well Be Strangers by Keane

3. Gravity by Sara Bareilles

4. Between the Lines by Sara Bareilles

5. Warning Sign by Coldplay

6. Split Screen Sadness by John Mayer

7. Hear Me Out by Frou Frou

..it's like 2004 circa freshman year at JMU all over again..

I've officially become my own worst nightmare.